Some Garbage

“Mornin’ Jim. Thanks for coming in.”

“Thanks for seeing me, sir.”

“So I hear you’ve got some good ideas.”

“Yes, well, I’m thinking, Americans need a new Police Academy sequel, and they need it within the next four months.”

“I like it. I like it a lot… go on.”

“Okay, well, I figure, the last seven Police Academy movies have totally cashed in, so let’s just stick to the formula. But maybe, for some reason, the guys all have to go somewhere wacky, on another special assignment.”

“Like China.”

“Uh, yeah, maybe, or Jamaica or something.”

“And they’re hunting down the Chinese Mafia. I like it.”

“Uh, sure, or Jamaican gangsters, it really doesn’t matter. This thing writes itself.”

“Any returning cast members?”

“Bubba Smith is in, the girl with the big tits is interested, and we found a hilarious stand-up guy who could carry this fucking thing.”

“What about Guttenburg?”

“…Uh, didn’t get Guttenburg, but Bobcat Goldthwait is in if, at some point in the movie, he gets to look at the camera, shrug his shoulders and say ‘Here we go again!!’”

“We need Guttenburg…get Guttenburg.”

“Yes, sir…we also got the big fat black guy.”

“Fat guy?”

“Oh, yes sir, fat black guys are golden comedy treasures, I mean, you got the fat guy getting hit in the butt, the fat guy pigging out in the cafeteria, the fat guy failing in training camp, I mean, you got it all.”

"He has to get hit in the nuts with something.”

“Oh, of course, lots of people get hit in the nuts. I’m telling you, the people need this.”

“The fat guy has to be really dumb.”

“Yeah, whatever you want.”

“Maybe we should have two fat guys.”

“Well, I’m not sure if—“

“And one will be Chinese. What about that guy that makes all the sound effects?”

“…Uh, he shot himself a few years ago.”

“Well, we need a sound effects guy, This IS a fucking Police Academy film.”

“Yes, sir. The stand-up comedian I mentioned earlier does lots of fantastic sound effects.”

“Does he do farting noises? Because that would go well with the fat guy.”

“He does all sorts of noises. And he’ll work cheap.”

“Okay, but if he has a mustache, make him shave it. The last sound effects guy looked like a fucking pedophile!"

“Yes, sir.”

“But Guttenburg can keep his mustache, if it means he’ll sign on.”

“I don’t think he’ll sign on, sir…look, is this thing a go? I kind of need to know by 4:30.”

“Why?”

“Well…if you give me the green light, I can use it as collateral with my dealer, and he won’t smash my kneecaps.”

“Who, Jimmy? He’ll probably just burn your neck with a cigar.”

"Christ, just give me the green fucking light!!”

“Maybe you should ask your boss.”

“My BOSS??!! Do you think I have a fucking JOB?!??”