The Lost Origins Of Bill Chambers, part 1

An excerpt from the rejected "Jonny Cigar Halloween Special" script


SEAN
"Jonny Of The Night" was a complete failure, and it was cancelled after the third episode. Two weeks later, Jonny was arrested for punching Aaron Spelling in the face while shooting a guest spot on The Love Boat. After that, he couldn’t even get an audition in this town, and just being associated with Jonny Cigar made it impossible to get any work. Eventually, we decided that our only option was to commit suicide. So we all went down to Bill’s apartment, shut all the windows, and turned on the gas oven. Then we just kinda sat there, waiting for the inevitable.


flashback to suicide attempt:

cast is all slouched in their chairs, speaking very lethargically

JONNY
Well, it looks like this is it, boys. It’s only a matter of minutes now.

SEAN
See you on the other side, fellas.

JONNY
Heh heh, yeah, read ‘em and weep, God.

SEAN
Heh heh, yeah, don’t forget to write.

JONNY
So long screwy, see ya in St. Louie- coughs.

DEAN
Guys, there’s something I gotta tell you. I know I went along with this whole suicide pact thing, but I didn’t think you were actually gonna go through with it. The thing is, I don’t want to die. I want to live. All I want to do is get up and turn off the oven, but I can barely move. This isn’t how I want it to end. I don’t want to die, Jonny, I don’t want to die...

SEAN
Hey Jonny, can you turn on the radio or something?

JONNY
Yeah... yeah... the radio.

Jonny musters up enough strength to reach up and turn the dial. He eventually ends up stopping on My Way by Frank Sinatra.

JONNY
There we go... the perfect choice for the last song we’ll ever hear.

SEAN
Yeah... cuz we did it our way, eh Jonny?

JONNY
That’s right Ted... We did it our way.

The song finishes, and the DJ starts speaking.

DJ
That was Frank Sinatra with My Way, by request. And that will do it for tonight’s edition of The Oldies Show, right here on WDOV. I’m your host Gene Birmingham, thanks for listening. Now stay tuned for the Rock N Roll Dynamite Hour with Jasper Wiley.
HEY LOS ANGELES, ARE YOU READY FOR 60 MINUTES OF TODAY’S BEST ROCK N ROLL? AEROSMITH, BOSTON, THE EAGLES, BAD COMPANY, BUT RIGHT NOW WE’RE GONNA KICK IT OFF WITH A LITTLE STEVE MILLER BAND, RIGHT HERE ON THE HOME OF NEW ROCK, WDOV!!!!!

Take The Money And Run starts playing.

Jonny, Sean, and Dean are obviously disgusted, even though they cannot move. Bill has not moved since the scene began.

ALL (but Bill)
No! Dear God No! This song sucks! etc.

Dean manages to fall off his chair and starts crawling off stage.

DEAN
Must... turn off gas... cannot... die... while this song is playing...

The three of them stop moving, and Bill suddenly awakens and sits up, revealing a belt strapped around his bicep and a syringe sticking out of his arm.

BILL
Oh, hey guys. When did you get here? Notices needle in his arm -- Heh, sorry, I wasn’t expecting visitors... Hey, you know who called me today? Andrew Lloyd Webber. I thought he was gonna ask me out again, but it turns out he wants to meet Jonny. That crazy son of a bitch wants to put Jonny in a play or something, can you believe that? Anyway, I told him I’d have to run it by Dean, but it sounded like a good- sniff sniff- Hey, does anyone smell gas?