How To Put On A Shitty DIY Punk Show

(Re-posted by popular demand)

So you love punk and hardcore music, and you’d really like to contribute to the whole DIY scene… why not set up shows? Whether you live in New York or Arizona or South Dakota, there is always a demand for good DIY spaces to play, but maybe you have no idea how to actually set up a show. Where do you start? What do you need to know? Can you do it all by yourself? There isn’t really any sort of flawless method, but there is a basic formula that most people use. It’s not perfect, but just knowing that you’re making a vital contribution to the world of DIY makes it all worth it. Here is a step-by-step synopsis that I've prepared in the interest of public knowledge:

1. Establish Yourself
Even though you still have no idea what you are doing, go to every single punk rock website and newsgroup and post a message about how you set up shows. Over-extend yourself and put your name online everywhere you can, and if you live in the middle of nowhere, say that you set up shows in the nearest big city. It won’t really make a difference to the band setting up the tour, so there’s no point in giving them specific details until they actually show up in your town. At this point, you just want to establish yourself as a viable option, and make sure you say that there are always great shows in your town even if it’s not true.

2. Don’t Maintain Contact With The Bands
If a band contacts you to set up a show for their tour, just say “Yes” to any day they want and tell them you’ll email them soon with more information. Then never communicate with them again. Don’t tell them about any show changes like where it is or when it starts, no matter how many times they email you to find out. Don’t give them directions, and definitely don’t tell them if the show is canceled. The bands will figure it out when they get there, and they will really appreciate your blasé punk-rock attitude.

3. Don’t Promote
The first major step in putting on a shitty show is not putting any effort into promoting it. Don’t make flyers, and if you do, never put them anywhere that any kids are going to see them. Never post anything on the Internet about the show, because then people might hear about it and actually want to come. Don’t tell any of your friends about it, either. They probably don’t even want to go, and a touring band doesn’t want to drive 200 miles through the mid-west to actually play in front of an audience.

4. Don’t Secure A Space
It’s important to never make sure that the place you’re having the show will actually let you have it there. Maybe ask somebody once, but after that, just assume it’s cool and never follow up until the actual day of the show. If you suddenly find out that you can’t use that space, just move the show somewhere else at the last minute and don’t tell anybody about it, including the touring bands. They won’t mind desperately scrambling around your strange little town trying to find the new space, because once they find out that they are playing for 8 people in your stepdad’s garage, the band will just be happy that they used 2 tanks of gas to get there.

5. Never Make Food For The Bands
Everybody says it’s so expensive to tour in the USA, but they always leave out the part about how much DIY bands love spending all their money on food and gas. Most people in these bands don’t make a lot of money in their day jobs, so when they go out on tour it’s really fun to “live it up,” so to speak. It’s the rock and roll lifestyle, and it comes with the territory. It makes the bands feel relevant and important. If you try to give them free food, it could be considered insulting, because then you would be implying that they aren’t doing well on the road. The coolest thing to do is just give them vague directions to some Shoney’s in the ghetto or somewhere that the van is most likely to get broken into. If you do end up making food, make sure to eat it in front of the bands without actually offering any to them.

6. Let The Local Bands Play Really Long Sets
If you are setting up a show for a touring band, find a local band that has played less than five gigs and make them play first. It’s important that they play for at least one hour, and also that it takes them a half hour to set up and break down their equipment. It’s also good if almost everybody in the audience leaves after they play, because then there won’t be anyone there to bother the touring band by listening to them or buying their records. Pay the local bands just as much as the touring bands, because even though the touring band spent a lot of dough to get there, the local band did grace everybody with their spectacular Screeching Weasel imitation.

7. Never Secure a PA System
Bands on tour are screaming their lungs out every night, so it’s always a relief to arrive at a show and find out there is no PA. It’s a great way for the singer to chill out and take a break for the night. Never have microphones or stands, either, because it’s way more fun and challenging to duct tape a broken microphone to a cymbal stand and run it through a 30 watt bass amp. It’s American ingenuity in it’s purest form. Also make certain that the local bands don’t bring any equipment, either, even if they live 2 blocks away. Touring bands love lending their stuff to the local bands, especially guitar heads and cymbals. It’s a great way to make new friends and prove you’re not a dick, and if some 16 year old kid blows my vintage tube amp with his active pick-ups, I will gladly use all the money we make from the show to get my head repaired. I wouldn’t even THINK of asking the kid to pay for it, because, hey, I CHOSE to entrust my livelihood to him, didn’t I?

8. Don’t Pay The Touring Bands
The typical self-booked, DIY American tour loses money. Sometimes you are lucky if you break even. I think this is largely due to the fact that the bands aren’t properly motivated to rock out. So if it cost the band, say, $50 in gas to get there, don’t give them more than $15 or $20 for playing. This will inspire them to try harder at the next show, and besides it’s not supposed to be about the money, anyway. Plus it gives the band members an opportunity to test their limits and get creative with their diet, for instance, did you know you can eat nothing but coffee and Sun Chips for almost 20 days before experiencing any hallucinations?

9. Try to Get Free Merchandise
Even though selling records and T-shirts is pretty much the only way a touring band makes any money, they are also very enthusiastic about giving that stuff away for free. If your band has a demo tape or CDR that you made for $2, most touring bands will gladly trade you for a couple of shirts or CDs. It’s no problem because now they can listen to your band in the van for the rest of the tour!! It’s never awkward for the bands to make these trades, and they are just psyched to be part of the scene.

Well, there you have it. You are now ready to set up shows in your town. It’s a lot of work, but it’s also a great feeling to be part of something so special. Have fun, and remember: don’t sweat the small stuff, because it’s doubtful that anything you do wrong will have any adverse effect on the bands, the tours, or the scene in general.