Look, I Don't Hate Handicapped People, Okay?

Something has recently been brought to my attention that really pisses me off. Apparently, I’ve developed a reputation around my office for hating handicapped people. That is totally not true, and it’s also really unfair. You can’t just pick and choose certain incidents, which might seem to indicate that I hate the handicapped, and form a conclusion like that without considering those incidents within a larger context.

This rumor is all based on the way I interact with my co-worker Troy, who happens to be in a wheelchair. Everyone in the office just loves Troy, or at least it seems that way. I think they are all just extra nice because they feel sorry for him. Or the wheelchair makes them uncomfortable. Nonetheless, Troy is everyone’s little darling, and they all each seem to have some sort of rapport with the guy. Everyone except me, that is. But it has nothing to do with the wheelchair.

Look, I don’t hate handicapped people, okay? I just don’t like Troy.

Wheelchair or not, I find Troy to be profoundly irritating.

I hate how he ends every email with the phrase “Over and Out!”

I hate how he always asks “Is it Friday yet?” to everyone else in the elevator.

I hate the way he constantly forwards Dilbert comic strips to everyone in the office with comments like “So True!” or “Sound Familiar?”

I hate that he always says “Yeah, Baby!” like Austin Powers.

I hate how he always says “Excuse me if I don’t get up” on every possible fucking occasion.

I hate how whenever someone mentions our CEO Mr. Benson, Troy always says “Ben-SON!” like Ms. Krause from the Benson television show. Okay, I did think that was a little funny the first time, but every fucking time??

I don’t even know what Troy’s actual job is, but I do know that I spend my day busy doing work. Maybe I don’t have time to talk about American fucking Idol for 20 minutes every morning. I wouldn’t even know what to say. I just don’t want to talk to Troy. It wouldn’t matter if he was a cripple stuck in a wheelchair or if he was jumping around doing scissor kicks like David Lee Roth- I don’t like him.

Troy, the human being, the person on the inside- THAT is who I hate.

But it’s not like I actively try to express this feeling. I just don’t participate in the Troy Love-Fest. Nor would I for anyone else I disliked. Which brings me to the whole “door-holding” incident.

It is my understanding that the handicapped aren’t cool with other people making blatant efforts to “help” them. So one day, I’m leaving work and walking towards the front door, and, as I have readily admitted several times, I did see Troy was also heading towards the door. But he was at least 40 feet behind me. So I exited the building, and, noticing that there was nobody immediately behind me, I made the very reasonable decision to not hold the door. Five seconds later I hear someone yell out “A little help here!” and I look behind me, and there’s Troy, with the door half-closed on his wheelchair. Before I could even react, an onlooker scowled at me and said “Well I’LL help you, sir!”

Now I look like a dick because I didn’t hold the door open for the guy in the wheelchair. But wouldn’t that be considered condescending? If I saw Troy was right behind me, I would have definitely held the door open, but there was NOBODY BEHIND ME. If he suddenly zipped up behind me in his chair, it’s not my fault I didn’t see him coming.

Plus, what if I’m just the kind of guy who never holds the door open for anyone? We’re supposed to treat handicapped people like we treat everyone else, right? Well, maybe I treat everyone in a rude, dismissive manner. If I treated Troy any differently, wouldn’t I in fact be VIOLATING the notion that we should treat cripples like real people?

Then there’s the “Invoice Comment,” as it’s become known in the Human Resources department.

I had an invoice that needed to go to Accounts Payable as soon as possible. They are three floors up from me, coincidentally on the same floor where Troy works. Just then, Troy happened to roll by towards the elevator, and announced to nobody in particular that he would be at his desk if anyone needed him. So I immediately yelled out

“Troy, can you do me a favor and run this invoice up to AP?”

It’s a figure of speech. “Run this over there.” People say that all the time.

I think it is completely obvious that I was using a very common colloquialism and NOT mocking Troy’s literal inability to use his legs. There was no need for official documentation of the incident. Troy is a fucking asshole.

And now everyone in the office thinks I hate handicapped people. Because if you don’t absolutely LOVE every single individual who belongs to a particular subset of society, then you must automatically HATE them all, right?? That makes a lot of fucking sense, right??

Now nobody at work will even talk to me. I guess that’s the end of the story.