My Response To What Happened To The DTBS Dancers

As you are surely aware, The Dare To Be Stupid Dancers were scheduled to be on the WGG show last week.

The DTBSD was a group of morbidly obese adolescent boys, dressed in Hawaiian shirts, who danced around to "Weird Al Yankovic" songs.

By the second or third song, they're usually rolling around on the floor, red-faced from uncontrollable giggling.

Good stuff- that's why I booked them.

They were based out of Plattsburgh, NY, so I knew they chartered a bus to get down here, equipped with external foghorns to blare Weird Al songs. Those kids were slick, I have to say.

The roads upstate are apparently still pretty treacherous from the storms last week, and, consequently, their bus slid out of control somewhere in the Catskills, flipped over a few times, and then caught fire.

Apparently a few of the kids who weren't instantly killed tried to crawl their way out of the wreckage. As a witness described it, "it was like these big balls of fire, with Hawaiian shirts melted over them like cheese... just like fireballs, with little chubby arms and legs flailing around, screaming for their mothers."

"The creepy part was how those foghorns kept blasting 'I Love Rocky Road' at full volume while those fat kids all burned to death... I still see it when I close my eyes."

So anyway, I think my show might be cursed.

First Vincenzo the Monkey commits suicide, and now this.

And for some reason, part of me feels like some of that fat kid blood is on MY hands.

Well, hey, spilled milk, right?

The next World's Greatest Grandson show is Tuesday June 8th- with special musical guests The Cowmen!!!

Love,

bc

Learn To Breakdance- Lesson 7

Snapping & Popping, Lesson 7

3 more lessons to go, then we'll move on to Top-Rocking.

But for now keep practicing those snaps & pops!

Word,

bc

Random Sketchbook Shit

Train Of Souls

When watching "classic" episodes of Soul Train, I find myself wondering how many of those teenage dancers are now dead, and also how they died.

As the camera pans across the studio, I pick them out.

Dead, drug overdose.

Dead, suicide.

Dead, thrown down the stairs by her boyfriend.

And so forth.


Then I wonder about the ones who are still alive.

Do they bore everyone with stories about being a former Soul Train dancer, or do they intentionally try to keep it from ever coming up in conversation?

The Lost Origins Of Bill Chambers, part 1

An excerpt from the rejected "Jonny Cigar Halloween Special" script


SEAN
"Jonny Of The Night" was a complete failure, and it was cancelled after the third episode. Two weeks later, Jonny was arrested for punching Aaron Spelling in the face while shooting a guest spot on The Love Boat. After that, he couldn’t even get an audition in this town, and just being associated with Jonny Cigar made it impossible to get any work. Eventually, we decided that our only option was to commit suicide. So we all went down to Bill’s apartment, shut all the windows, and turned on the gas oven. Then we just kinda sat there, waiting for the inevitable.


flashback to suicide attempt:

cast is all slouched in their chairs, speaking very lethargically

JONNY
Well, it looks like this is it, boys. It’s only a matter of minutes now.

SEAN
See you on the other side, fellas.

JONNY
Heh heh, yeah, read ‘em and weep, God.

SEAN
Heh heh, yeah, don’t forget to write.

JONNY
So long screwy, see ya in St. Louie- coughs.

DEAN
Guys, there’s something I gotta tell you. I know I went along with this whole suicide pact thing, but I didn’t think you were actually gonna go through with it. The thing is, I don’t want to die. I want to live. All I want to do is get up and turn off the oven, but I can barely move. This isn’t how I want it to end. I don’t want to die, Jonny, I don’t want to die...

SEAN
Hey Jonny, can you turn on the radio or something?

JONNY
Yeah... yeah... the radio.

Jonny musters up enough strength to reach up and turn the dial. He eventually ends up stopping on My Way by Frank Sinatra.

JONNY
There we go... the perfect choice for the last song we’ll ever hear.

SEAN
Yeah... cuz we did it our way, eh Jonny?

JONNY
That’s right Ted... We did it our way.

The song finishes, and the DJ starts speaking.

DJ
That was Frank Sinatra with My Way, by request. And that will do it for tonight’s edition of The Oldies Show, right here on WDOV. I’m your host Gene Birmingham, thanks for listening. Now stay tuned for the Rock N Roll Dynamite Hour with Jasper Wiley.
HEY LOS ANGELES, ARE YOU READY FOR 60 MINUTES OF TODAY’S BEST ROCK N ROLL? AEROSMITH, BOSTON, THE EAGLES, BAD COMPANY, BUT RIGHT NOW WE’RE GONNA KICK IT OFF WITH A LITTLE STEVE MILLER BAND, RIGHT HERE ON THE HOME OF NEW ROCK, WDOV!!!!!

Take The Money And Run starts playing.

Jonny, Sean, and Dean are obviously disgusted, even though they cannot move. Bill has not moved since the scene began.

ALL (but Bill)
No! Dear God No! This song sucks! etc.

Dean manages to fall off his chair and starts crawling off stage.

DEAN
Must... turn off gas... cannot... die... while this song is playing...

The three of them stop moving, and Bill suddenly awakens and sits up, revealing a belt strapped around his bicep and a syringe sticking out of his arm.

BILL
Oh, hey guys. When did you get here? Notices needle in his arm -- Heh, sorry, I wasn’t expecting visitors... Hey, you know who called me today? Andrew Lloyd Webber. I thought he was gonna ask me out again, but it turns out he wants to meet Jonny. That crazy son of a bitch wants to put Jonny in a play or something, can you believe that? Anyway, I told him I’d have to run it by Dean, but it sounded like a good- sniff sniff- Hey, does anyone smell gas?

The Same Old Conversation

"Did you hear about that current event?"

"I heard something about it on television, let me tell you about it."

"Well, I read something similar in the paper, so I guess we are both aware of this news item."

"A man on TV took two aspects of this current event and formed a rational conclusion. I will repeat what I heard as if I arrived at this conclusion myself."

"Yes, and despite my relative ignorance of the complexities of this situation, I have come up with an over-simplified solution."

"Allow me to compliment your apparent astuteness, assuming that you politely do the same."

"Of course, but let's continue our discussion, because I feel smarter and more secure when I enlighten people with obvious ideas and facts."

"I agree. I am so amazed by general information that I feel the necessity to explain it to other people. I think it makes me seem intelligent, and I like to talk, but I never really have anything to talk about."

"Talking about current events and sports helps me relate to people."

"I enjoy sports, too. Did you watch the big game?"

"Of course. The announcer came to a conclusion about one player. I am not too smart, and I only like and respond to things that other people like and respond to, so I agree with the announcer's comment."

"Well, somebody else said something different about that player, so now I say it, too."

"We can playfully question each other's intelligence by disagreeing about the player."

"Only if it is understood that we are both agree about the generalities of the team and the game."

"Then we can discuss sports every morning."

"That is something that occurs naturally in society, so it makes sense not to question it."

"It seems like a good idea that we become friends. People are supposed to have friends."

"Yes, then we can say and do many different things, and respond to basic human interactions."

"This is alleged to be important."

Urban Slang Word Of The Day: "Dis"