My New Job

I recently got a job with the NYPD, drawing chalk outlines around the dead bodies at crime scenes.

It's pretty sweet; I get full benefits and a weekly paycheck, whether I work or not. The downside is being on-call 24 hours a day, because when it gets busy, it gets BUSY. Hardcore.

And it's just been unbelievably busy lately- lots of kids getting shot, Central Park bums getting their skulls bashed in, etc... "Spring is in the air," as they say around the precinct.

Last week, there was a massive, late-night carbon monoxide leak in one of the Gowanus projects that killed almost 200 people in their sleep. Now, that job was a son-of-a-bitch, let me tell you, haha... Do you know how long it takes to draw 200 chalk outlines?

Even though almost half the bodies were small children, it still took me a solid 10 hours to finish up. My hand was cramped for the next 2 days. I went through so much chalk...

Did you know the NYPD actually has standard issue body chalk? It seems kind of ridiculous, but regular retail chalk just doesn't do the job; the official police chalk is good shit.

So yeah, I've just been working crazy hours at work and haven't had much time to start adding shit to this blog.... The good news is that I might get a really big promotion soon.

This judge was apparently reviewing some crime scene photos and saw a few of my chalk outlines. He was really impressed with my work, and he's going to try to pull some strings to make me an Associate Courtroom Artist! So I'll get to draw those chalk and pencil courtroom portraits they show on the news when cameras aren't allowed in the courtroom. How fucking awesome is that? I mean, I'll only be an Associate artist, so they'll start me out on smaller, less notable cases, and I probably won't get any drawings on the news because there's a bunch of bullshit politics involved, but on the other hand, I'll be getting on-the-job experience while building a porfolio at the same time.

Plus, the chalk outline gig is getting kind of awkward. Most cops steal stuff from crime scenes- you know, jewelry, cash, etc... and they give me a lot of shit when I don't participate. I'm not even judging them, you know? Hey man, do your thing- I'm just not into stealing necklaces from corpses, okay? I think they want me to get in on it so I can't squeal on them. I'm starting to get really paranoid, because at this point I don't know who to trust. So I really hope the courtroom artist gig comes through.

bc